Friday, January 22, 2010

I have a confession...

I don't want to be a nurse.

I chose a Nursing major because it is the least amount of school for the most amount of money but I don't want to be a nurse.

I want to work with animals. However... typically, that is not where the money is.

Ugh. I've already spent a lot of money in tuition and books this semester. I guess the good thing is that I'm not actually in the Nursing program yet...

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Back to School!

I had my new tennis shoes, cute outfit and perfect hair all put together...

Okay, not really.

It's not the same as when I was in 9th grade and so excited about the first day of school. I didn't even wear makeup today!

Somehow becoming a mother automatically puts your priorities into order. My alarm didn't go off so in order to get Jaxon up and ready in time, I traded makeup for clean hair. I'm okay with that. Perhaps if I looked like an ogre, I would not have made that trade off but since I'm halfway okay with the way my makeup-less face looks... it was a good decision. Besides that, I sat in the front of the class so the teacher was the only person who could see my face. I would have been full of regret if I would have left the dirty hair in lieu of a made up face. I certainly don't want anyone to go home and talk about 'the girl with the disgusting hair' over dinner tonight.

Any way, thankfully that was the biggest decision I had to make today. I hate making decisions.

I hope everyone had an okay Wednesday! I go to Biology tomorrow afternoon. Wish me luck!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

The horrible, awful and terrible teenage years.

If you would have asked me about 10 years ago, I would have told you that I KNOW for a fact that I have the worst life. Ever.

I hated my life. I was wallowing in my own sorrow for years! I was convinced that my mother had ruined me by making me move away from my life in Blytheville, AR. That is, until I grew up. I will be the first to tell you that getting away from that cesspool was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. There is no telling where I would be right now if I would have stayed in that place.

Any way, I was going through an old box last night. I was looking for pictures of my friends and I to post on Facebook and have a good giggle about how much fun we used to have.

I found something much more worth while.

While wallowing, I had all of these people around me that really loved me. Loved me! I was so completely blinded by my hatred for the situation that I completely lost touch with those that love me!

I kept all of my Birthday cards from my Sixteenth and Seventeenth birthday... which is really weird because I NEVER keep cards. I used to think they were a waste of space. They're not.

Here are my no particular order.

The card from my sister, Sheriece:

"May the joy you experience on your birthday last longer than the aroma of one of your farts." Inside - " ...and that's a long time. Have a happy one! (Birthday, that is)"

This is what she had to say:

Ha Ha! This card made me think of you! I hope you have a fabulous birthday, turning the big 1-7! I hope school is great. I also hope you know that your big sis loves and misses you. I can't wait to see you in November! It really is weird to think that this is the beginning. When I'm home, I'll be there to visit! Maybe you could come out here and visit me sometime! That would be a lot of fun. Any way, have a great birthday!"

My sister loves me.

A card from Mr and Mrs. Beasley. It was a simple card that just wished me a happy birthday. I can't say that they loved me, they hardly knew me but at least they took the time to send some wishes!

They cared enough to do it.

There is one from my mom. It's a sweet 16 card, again something simple. The most profound part of the card is when mom tells me she loves me when signing her name, "mom". Even though I didn't feel it back then, I know she means it and would do anything she can for me.

Rick wrote in the card, " Most special of all Birthdays, Love Rick" --- I don't know what to say about it except that I think he wanted to care and that's enough for me. I will get no other closure from him so I will just leave it at this, I think he did care but didn't know how to show it... so it was easier not to show it.

I have an envelope from my Great-Grandma Hammons. It is such a bummer that I don't know where the card is but I have no doubt that it was filled with as much love as a Grandmother can send through the mail.

From what I remember, She was love.

I have a card from a number of people that I have no idea who is who. The names don't ring a bell at all. But they did take the time to give me a Birthday card. They didn't love me but they cared wnough to wish me a well birthday!

I also have a number of cards from good friends. They all say the same thing. "I'm so glad we became friends." "You're so fun and amazing." - stuff like that. It was good to read. I need to look these people up that I had such amazing friendships with and rekindle them. My friends really love me.

Along with the cards, I found a newspaper article that my Grandma Martha had sent me. She was aware of my distaste for life at that moment. I think I've always been pretty open with her as far as my trials and tribulations. Any way, she sent me an article about the hardships of Sela Ward's life. She highlighted this "During this period of rejection, Ward found strength by remembering her mother's stalwartness. "Because she has grown up in the Depression, she had an inner resolve. When I'd been so sad in High School, she'd tell me, 'Don't wallow in your problems. Just pick yourself up and get on with it.'

I remember reading this and thinking that I wanted to 'get on with it.' I just didn't know how. I didn't know what that really meant but it sounded good! Grandma loves and cares enough for me, and the rest of the family, that she sees one simple phrase in an article and makes sure to share. She truly loves me, too.

I guess my point in sharing is that I hope to live my life in that day, every day. I hope to not focus on the negative sooo much that I miss the positive. It kind of hit me hard last night when stumbling upon these cards. I missed so much love and caring because I was dwelling in the unimportant stuff.

I hope every one has a wonderful weekend and I hope you all are able to sift through the bad things to get a good glimpse of the good... because the good is so worth the bad.